The Killing ‘Donnie or Marie’: A Whole Bunch of Nothing

Just when you think The Killing can’t get any more frustratingly convoluted, along comes ‘Donnie or Marie’, an episode full of twists and turns that manages to explain a whole slew of things without really explaining anything at all. Half of the season’s plot lines are thrown away  in single scenes, the finger of blame is pointed all over the damn place, feeling more and more thrown together as it went along. Beyond that, the episode reeked of set-up, trying to get the audience to believe one thing only to flip it all on its head at the end of the season finale.

The first scene alone almost induced a heavy bout of banging my head repeatedly on a wall. All of a sudden, the rogue cop nobody trusted, who was just in a mental facility, can somehow sway the mayor into believing she has some kind of useful political leverage? What was stopping him from having her arrested on the spot, and then just tossing what’s left of her career to the wind? He’s got no motivation to be a good guy; we’ve been led to believe he’s undeniably corrupt, gets his rocks off to underage girls, and somehow has his fingers on every single button in the city…. but still feels threatened about an internet video, and a copy of a fake picture that may or may not exist (and if it did, he could’ve just arrested her there, and had her shit searched real quick with a nice, shiny warrant thanks to all his power).

So not only is his power ridiculously unbelievable, but in a conversation that takes COMPLETELY OFF-SCREEN, he calls off every single piece of evil biting at the heels of Linden and Holder, who are now freed up to smoke a shit ton of cigarettes and connect all sorts of random bit story points together, but still managing to answer nothing in the process. Is it Gwen, or Jamie, or both? Are they the killers, or simply involved, and someone else is in on it. Michael Ames certainly seems to be important again, forgotten for much of the show’s run (he’s been in four episodes before tonight), but important enough to become a major anchor to the whole murder-a-teenage-girl conspiracy… but again, the important conversations that could reveal any tidbits about this happen off-screen or transferred via mind powers between characters in the many long scenes of people just staring at each other, or the conversations we only get one end of.

There’s also the whole Nicole Jackson lesbian girlfriend beating thing, which seems to be important because she framed some other girl for murder – which means even though everything from the music to the reactions to the camera shots suggesting Gwen and Jamie killed her might be wrong. She certainly likes to beat people, and she’s in that Murderer’s Row photo with Cardboard Gwen and Rapey Adams at the opening of that fateful casino.

In the background of all this murder noise, is the continued redemption of Darren Richmond, who isn’t winning an election because he was wrongly accused of murder and took a bullet in the back…. but because he shot a basketball with kids on a court and attempted suicide!!! I guess the two percent of the 10,000-plus Jamie mentioned DID go out and vote, because by the end of the episode, things go from ‘not good’ to ‘so fucking close he can smell it’. But what does Richmond winning (or losing) the election mean for Seattle? Do they get a depressed leader who likes to bang his self-centered, oddly powerful #2, or the eternally-corrupt and untouchable Adams?

Elsewhere, Mitch is home, and nobody really cares. It’s still not clear why she left, except to get robbed, bang some dude, and tell Rosie’s real father no important information whatsoever about her demise and/or life beforehand. Needless to say, I waited with bated breath for the happy reunion that wasn’t coming, and clapped my hands with glee as both Terry and Stan battered at her stupid story arc, and how selfish she was. Nothing like a show that can insult itself for being terrible, right?

Even if there was some importance to the over-wrought emotional drama in the Larsen household (let’s move to our dream house! Wait, let’s not!), it’s buried in between scene after scene of Holder and Linden figuring out a whole bunch of nothing involving Jamie and Gwen. I can almost see the writer’s room right now: “Ok, on one side, let’s put ten reasons why Gwen can be guilty. On the other, ten for Jamie. Pick six for each, and stuff them in this episode.”

Worst of all, if either of them are involved, will we really understand why (or believe whatever nonsense we’re fed)? They’ve never had any real motivations or ambitions on the show – except Gwen, who we’re told nonchalantly likes to bang candidates to keep them in line… so much it’s even her M.O., would ya know. We don’t really know anything about Jamie except he’s whiny, so he could be a sick murderer… but would we care? We don’t know anything about him, what side he’s really on – because he makes secret deals we don’t find out about for TWENTY FIVE days of an investigation – or why he does anything, really… and it leaves both of them empty presences on-screen, a laughable sidetrack to whatever massive political conspiracy we’re not being shown yet.

All these dots connect somewhere, right? ‘Donnie or Marie’ wants us to believe its either because of lesbian manipulation or shady assistants, but we all know it’s tied up somehow in some secret government plan involving all the big wigs (because everyone is OF COURSE in on it somehow, as we’re shown over and over again tonight), and we’ll have to wait until next week to find out what part of this government deal led to someone putting Rosie in a lake. One thing’s clear: it’s going to be both painful and laughable, all at the same time! And isn’t that what TV is all about?

Grade: D

Other thoughts/observations:

– the man at the end is important why? STOP INTRODUCING CHARACTERS PEOPLE, THERE’S AN HOUR LEFT.

– don’t you think a cop would’ve asked Sally if Gwen told her anything about why she cancelled dinner WEEKS ago? I think if I saw someone cancel something on the night of a murder when they’re a suspect, I might just have a few questions about it.

– how do the Donnie and Marie monikers make any sense? I’m not quite old enough to know all about Osmonds, but it doesn’t seem to have any parallel, or make any sense whatsoever.

– Stan, someone’s coming to kill you. If you die, it’s your own stupid ass fault… but make sure Terry catches one too, ok?

– I agree with Holder: Linden needs to buy her own damn pack of butts. Admit what you are, Linden: an unhinged (remember her screaming at the beginning?), chain-smoking detective who cares so much about cases she’ll give up her own kid!!!

– Gwen: “I tried so hard for you, Darren.” When? While he was being accused of murder and you were the mad girlfriend, or when you ran away to Washington when he got paralyzed?

what did you think of ‘Donnie or Marie’? Are you excited for next week’s conclusion, or just watching because its hilariously awful? Leave your thoughts/comments below!